australia

i never thought i'd post here again and i never thought that my trip to australia would put me in a more vulnerable position than i was before i left.

i've been thinking of you more often now. and now that we're thousands of miles apart, i feel so powerless; not that i feel any more powerful when i am in manila but the distance is killing me. the boredom as well. i feel so powerless to do something about my situation. i might need some fresh air tomorrow. might have to jog.

Oh well

Since you've been gone I've been lonely
Longing to be with you only
Maybe there's still is a way I can find you and say
Just how I feel.


I can't believe that's it's over
Wish somehow I could have showed her
All that was inside of my heart 'stead of playing the games
You might have stayed

Funny just the other night I was thinking
I wonder if you ever think about me
I call you on the phone, there's no answer

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, I'll try again
Oh Well, maybe just maybe


Since you've been gone I've been lonely
Longing to be with you only
If there's a way I could beg you to stay would you please
Stay with me.


I was thinking maybe I could come over
Hoping we could finally work this out
Even if tonight we don't find an answer

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, I'll try again
Oh Well, maybe just maybe


If I had another chance
We would stand hand in hand
You'll be my girl and I'll be your man
Oh Well, maybe just maybe we can.


I still call you on the phone still no answer
Maybe later on I'll try one more time
Or am I just a fool to keep trying

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, a fool's what I am
Oh Well, maybe just maybe


Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, I'll try again
Oh Well, maybe just maybe
See if I got down on my knees and gave you every little part of me.

Oh Well, there's still tomorrow
Oh Well, I'll try again
Oh Well, maybe just maybe


Since you've been gone I've been lonely

ERASED

So u finally deleted me from your friends list...

I don't know the reason boss. If it's you who needs it, then I have no choice but to give it to you. Maybe there are things that you want to keep private from me from hereon forward. As the day goes by, I think our chances get slimmer and slimmer. And as it gets slimmer and slimmer, I know I get closer and closer to moving on and forward.

Where will I get the inspiration to get by another day? This affects me so much. I've lost enthusiasm to do things except when they connect me to you. Lord, please deliver me from this. Help me become normal again. I want to be happy again.

SHould I look at your profile once and for all to find out what it is that you want to hide from me?
To let it all end now...?

I completely understand that part of you doesn't want to see me because of what I did. I deserve that for being an asshole and a half. But somehow, I am still hoping that if this is indeed the last time that we are going to see each other, I just want to pour out all I have to say in a very short and yet sweet way. Honestly, right after what I intend to do, I really don't know what to expect and I really don't know where to go. After this, it's a wall, a dead end. But I just want to make it up to you. I still love you and I probably always will.

Buti pa nung andito ka, kinakaya ko ang lahat. Isipin lang kita at kaya kong kalimutan mga problema. Ngayong wala ka, parang wala sa ayos ang lahat. Parang ayaw matapos ng kaguluhan.

Without You

It feels like a lifetime
A thousand days have passed by
Since I held you close to me
If I could see that smile from my friend
I know that I could live again
I need you here with me

Heaven knows what to say
Even though for right now you're so far away
I hope and I pray
Somewhere in your heart I'll always stay

Girl, lately my sun doesn't shine without you
Never noticed what it feels like to be without you
Feels like I took my last step
And my last breath in my life ending

Had to say just what I was feeling, girl
'Cause my sun doesn't shine
Sun doesn't shine without you

This is more for me than for you
Girl, I finally see there's no substitute
For what we have
Do you know how much I love you?

Heaven knows what to say
Even though for right now you're so far away
Gonna tell you and show you
Do whatever I can do to get back to you

Girl, lately my sun doesn't shine without you
Never noticed what it feels like to be without you
Feels like I took my last step
And my last breath in my life ending

Had to say just what I was feeling, girl
'Cause my sun doesn't shine
Sun doesn't shine without you

Robin fails

Robin fails in his attempt to win back his beloved. I feel for my partner and I know how that pain feels. Bakit ba hindi na lang pare-pareho ang tao na pag mahal mo ang isang tao ay ipaglalaban mo siya hanggang sa huli? Is there no one out there in this world anymore who believes that love will conquer all? Pinatay na yata ng mundo ang idealism ng mga tao.

Boss, I still hope that one day God can give us the chance to pick up the pieces from where we left off and then with these pieces, rebuild what was shattered, but this time, with a much stronger foundation.

Sana tama ako

Alam mo na ngayon na nagpupunta pa rin ako kay Ian. Naniniwala akong milagro ni Ian yun kung paano mo natuklasan sapagkat wala naman akong ginawa para malaman mong nagpupunta ako sa kanyang puntod.

Hanggang ngayon, umaasa pa rin ako na tayo sa dulo. Pero hindi ako ang unang taong nagmahal, nasaktan at umasa na muling magkabalikan ang dalawang nagmamahalan. Sana sa lahat ng inasahan ko nuon, kabilang na rin itong ngayon, sana tumama na ko ngayon. Sana sa lahat ng pagpapakatanga ko dati para sa pag-ibig, sana tumama na ko ngayon. Sana sa huli ay tayo pa rin.

Hindi ko malaman kung bakit malakas ang paniniwala kong didinggin ng Diyos ang aking dasal. Hindi ko rin malaman kung bakit malakas ang paniniwala kong sa huli ay tayo pa rin. Sana talaga ay tama ako sa pagkakataong ito...

I don't know what you call what's happening to me. I feel so lazy like I've lost my enthusiasm to do things. Is this normal and is this part of the healing process I have to undergo through?

I miss you so much.

I went to visit Ian last night just to reconnect. Saw three chairs there and I guess you were sitting in one of them earlier that afternoon. I dont know if it does me any good to visit his grave but somehow I just feel like I reconnect with you every time I go there.

I'm about to leave for Australia soon - I hope. I just wish I could fix myself when I fly out. I still want to get back with you even if the whole world seems to be against it. I pray for it every single day. I don't know if I should ask if I could see you before or after I fly. I don't know what's the right thing to do right now. You seem to be okay and I guess you're better off without me because I've caused you so much trouble already. Maybe I should start thinking about you and not myself. I'm sorry for the mess I caused you and your family. All the arguments you had with your parents could probably be traced to me. I'm sorry for all those and I love you. I love you so much that I should understand you.

Mushy Tagalog

Kung makapulot ako ng lampara at sa paghimas ko nito ay may isang genie na lumabas at binigyan ako ng tatlong hiling para tuparin, paulit-ulit kong hihilingin na bigyan tayo muli ng isang pagkakataon upang ipagpatuloy ang pagmamahalan natin.

Kung makakita ako ng bituin na nahuhulog sa langit, hihilingin kong alisin ang lahat ng sakit ng nakaraan upang tayong dalawa ay muling makapagsimula nang masaya.

Kung tanungin man ako ng Diyos ano ang ikasisiya ng puso ko, sasabihin kong nais kong maisaayos ang lahat upang tayong dalawa'y muling makapagsama.

Maraming nangyayari ngayon na hindi ko maintindihan pero sa likod ng lahat ng ito, isa lang ang nasisiguro ko - ikaw pa rin ang laman ng puso ko. Mawala na ang lahat sa akin, huwag lang ikaw. Kaya kong isuko lahat sapagkat ang yaman ay kayang palitan pero ikaw ay walang katulad.

Masakit sa akin ang iwan ka subalit kinakailangan upang ikaw ay magtanda't matuto. Kung palarin man tayo na ang landas nati'y muling magkatagpo at pahintulutan tayo na ipagpatuloy ang dati nating pagmamahalan, sigurado akong higit na magiging karapat-dapat tayo para sa isa't isa sapagkat dun ko lamang mapatutunayang tayo'y nakatakda. Batid sa pagwika ko nito ang pangambang di ito magkatotoo subalit wala akong magagawa kung hindi Niya nais ito.

Kung kaya't Panginoon, sana po ay magkaisa ang nais nating dalawa para sa akin. Sana po ay pareho tayo ng nasa isip sapagkat tunay ko pong ikaliligaya na makapiling siyang muli. Hindi na baleng may problema sapagkat kasama talaga yun sa isang relasyon. Ang mahalaga, tayo'y magkasama. Wala nang iwanan magpakailanman.

Fortress of SOlitude

I think I want to visit the Gesu to pray.

Choices

If you had to choose between being true to yourself and choosing growth, what would you choose? I chose growth and so we parted ways rather roughly. I hope one day you would understand why I did that. It feels so heavy on my part that I had to do that. That was my sacrifice and so don't ever think that I don't love you anymore. I still do and in fact, I still want us to get back together but it cannot be my will alone. ULtimately, it is His will that I have to follow, no matter how hard. I so look forward to the day when all the pain and depression will be gone. That would be my day of acceptance.

I dont know how long I have to keep up with the depression.

I live on a day-to-day basis. I struggle everyday and each day of success propels me to get by the other day. I always think to myself, "I survived yesterday, I can also survive today."

I miss you so much boss. I know I'm a fool to hope that you would return to me someday. Not all stories have a happy ending.

I visited your house late last night. I just wanted to see the place again. I was hoping I'd see you but you were obviously asleep. How I wish you felt me when I visited. I don't know if that truly happens.

valentine's day

Happy Valentine's day boss!

Visited Ian last Saturday. Just wanted to vent out my feelings to him. I miss you so much and I wish we could be together. You take care always boss.

rehab 2

We don't have to decide NOW. All will be well in time. We are
Powerless over people, places and events. That's a fact. I'm just
Stressing myself out over having to decide immediately. I guess there
Are things that you can rush and there are things that you simply
Cannot.

rehab

Boss, I want to text you so bad right now. There's that heavy feeling
In my heart again. I'm thinking of getting you flowers for tomorrow. I don't
Know if that's supposed to make me feel better. And I don't even know if that's
Supposed to do any good. If we talk about being true to myself, I know that
It would be the thing that I would be doing. I don't know if by not doing it, it
Would mean growth but I just know that it makes me sad. It's true what vince said,
What u want makes u happy and what u need doesn't.

Galing mo magdala boss. Parang wala lang nangyari. Di ko alam pano mo nagagawa.
Gusto kong sabihin na "sana masaya ka" pero di ko pa kaya. Ang bilis mo naman makalimot.
May sakit pa rin akong nararamdaman.

Lord, tulong...

Tattooed on my mind

I cant get you out of my head. I thought I could forget you but you left a really deep scar. And when I remember how we were, I get sad and wish you were still with me. I'm going through a lot right now and I just know that things would be better with you around. I just want to stop functioning altogether. I just want to shut down from the rest of the world.

You think we're different but we really are alike. We're both prisoners and I want to escape. This might be the year to do that. I just need to carefully lay down the plan. I miss you sooo much boss. I love you. I hope you still think of me.

Depression strikes again

God, I feel depressed again.

I just wish you still think of me the way I think of you. After today, I officially know nothing of what's going to happen to you. Today's the last day I know of you... February 1, your first day in Manila. I miss you boss.

First Day

Its your first day in Manila. I remember that you opted to be re-assigned in Manila because you were excited about us. Too bad hindi na tayo although I still wish na tayo pa rin.

I miss you and I still love you. Take care always boss.

relapse

Relapse is all part of the cycle.

while at labor court

I can't be alone yet. I still think of you. Memories of the past keep coming
back to me. Vivid images and sweet words flash in my head and it gives me pain
again.

I still hope that by some miracle we could get back together and fulfill the dreams
and promises we shared. Why did God have to put us in this situation? Only time can
tell. I'm just hoping I'm doing the right thing because I clearly remember praying that
I do everything right with you.

They say you can't change people if they don't want to change themselves. I'm not
asking you to change, I just want you to grow boss. Grow with me.

God give me the strength to get by each day. God give me the strength to not think of you
because it drives me crazy. So for now, please get out of my head.

Proposal

I remember telling you once, "Please say yes to me when I ask you to marry me."

Then you said, "Oo naman, I'll say YES."

CRY

I want to cry.

Writing to you here is just like talking to God; I don't get any verbal replies.

Crazy

This is crazy. Every text, every call I get, I wish it was you. Every text I open, I wish it was your name on the sender list. Hayyyy....

What About Love

What if I took my time to love you?
What if I put no one above you?
What if I did the things
That really mattered?
What if I ran through
Hoops of disaster?

No one would care if
We never made it
We're in this alone
So why don't we face it
There is no room to
Blame one another
We just need time to
Forgive each other

What about love?
What about feeling?
What about all the things that make life worth living?
What about faith?
What about trust?
And tell me baby...what about us?

How can I give this
Love a new beginning?
How can I stop the rain?
It's never ending
How do I keep my soul believing?
Memories of how we
Should be keep calling

I'll take the rivers rise
I'll take the happy times
I'll take the moments of disaster

Happy 2nd Boss

Happy, boss.

Dapat 2nd month na natin today. Just wish together pa rin tayo.

I just want to believe that fate brought us together and if God wants us to get back together, fate will find a way. I just don't see how right now but I do believe in miracles. Besides, God said He'd never stop making miracles in my life.

I think it's natural to miss someone. But then again, the question is - what do you do about it?

Do I wish for the death of this feeling or do I nurture it?

I guess anyone who's ever been in love and broken has dreamed of reconciliation.

And like everyone else, he hopes his case is that one-in-a-million, that exception, that rare gem. And like the rest of the fools, he holds on with hope, however false it may be, to fuel him to get by each day.

Will our case be any different from the rest of theirs, boss?

Just this morning I was reminiscing about that time when we were measuring the size of your ring finger using your strand of hair. We figured that your ring finger was a bit smaller than my pinky. I remember Tita even knocking our heads together, asking what we were doing. hehe

Boss, you once told me that a one-month relationship is so easy to forget. But what if in that one month, you learned the most? What if in that short span of time, you lived the most? I think it doesn’t apply to this relationship.

I don’t know what words or actions can make you see that I don’t look at your family, your status, or whatever physical attributes you may have. I simply want the entirety of you. I look at you as a whole because I believe that the two of us can make wonderful things together. I just wish you could see that, boss.

Boss, we haven't been talking or texting for quite some time. You probably think I'm mad at you. And I think you are mad at me as well. That doesnt matter now though.

I just want you to know that I still love you and I said those things hoping that you'd learn a thing or two from them. I want you to think of the words I said whenever you remember me. I want you to grow because stagnation would be fatal. I want you to learn to speak up to your parents and know what it is like to commit your heart to something, may it be love, may it be a belief or something...

Things stay wrong because people are too lazy, too comfortable to do nothing about them.

Deep in my heart, I'm still hoping that someday our paths would cross again. A better Anna, a better Gelo. And I hope that when that someday comes, the Lord would give the two of us a second chance at a more mature relationship.

Boss, nagrerelapse ako talaga from time to time. Mahirap.

Boss, I'm gonna channel everything I have to the fulfillment of our plans.

Bear with me, boss. You are my WHY and so I will work hard. No more crying from hereon forward.

Boss, gustong gusto kitang tawagan o kaya itext pero hindi ko alam kung tama. Miss na miss na kita.

Too difficult. Boss, naiisip mo rin ba ako?

God knows how many times I think of you in a day.

Boss, cant get you out of my heart and head. It hurts. Please take away the pain. Come back to me, please.

Boss, first day of work. Ang bigat. Parang may hollow block sa dibdib.

Opened the planner you gave me and saw the first message for January 3. Gusto ko umiyak na ayoko. Totoo pa kaya yung nakasulat dun na you love me?

boss, eto na yung kinakatakot ko - yung magigising ka na lang sa gitna ng gabi na nararamdaman yun bigat sa dibdib. tapos mag-fla-flashback na lang sayo yung mga alaala nyong dalawa together, masaya, pero this time, masakit na nakikita mo yun mga bagay-bagay na yun...

Boss, bakit natin kailangan pagdaanan to?

Lord, I need You now more than ever. Never felt pain like this before. I can't keep going on like this. Di ko ata kaya maging ganito for a number of days. Hindi ma-a-afford ng katawan ko at lalu na ng trabaho ko. I need to busy myself 24/7 even in my sleep. I can't get a decent sleep because of this.

Lord, You once said You'd never stop making miracles in my life. I need one right now, please. For now, I'm just asking for sleep and if possible, take the pain away...

Test

Again boss, our love is put to the test. Please dont give up on me.

Just today, I asked for a sign if He really wanted me to fight for our love. I asked that He send me a butterfly to show if it is His will that I go on and fight. I don't see butterflies everyday but I saw one when I got off the car when I got back from the Church. The sight brought me to tears and gave me strength. I hope you don't lose strength boss to fight.

Amazing how the simplest of things can make you seem soooo powerful that you can almost handle anything.

Do you remember that we saw a butterfly before, when we got back together outside your house, inside my car. I hope you do because I believe these are evidence of His hand working. I just hope you find strength boss because these trials aren't meant to keep us apart. These things bind us even stronger, together... I love you boss.