I don't know what you call what's happening to me. I feel so lazy like I've lost my enthusiasm to do things. Is this normal and is this part of the healing process I have to undergo through?

I miss you so much.

I went to visit Ian last night just to reconnect. Saw three chairs there and I guess you were sitting in one of them earlier that afternoon. I dont know if it does me any good to visit his grave but somehow I just feel like I reconnect with you every time I go there.

I'm about to leave for Australia soon - I hope. I just wish I could fix myself when I fly out. I still want to get back with you even if the whole world seems to be against it. I pray for it every single day. I don't know if I should ask if I could see you before or after I fly. I don't know what's the right thing to do right now. You seem to be okay and I guess you're better off without me because I've caused you so much trouble already. Maybe I should start thinking about you and not myself. I'm sorry for the mess I caused you and your family. All the arguments you had with your parents could probably be traced to me. I'm sorry for all those and I love you. I love you so much that I should understand you.