I don't know what you call what's happening to me. I feel so lazy like I've lost my enthusiasm to do things. Is this normal and is this part of the healing process I have to undergo through?

I miss you so much.

I went to visit Ian last night just to reconnect. Saw three chairs there and I guess you were sitting in one of them earlier that afternoon. I dont know if it does me any good to visit his grave but somehow I just feel like I reconnect with you every time I go there.

I'm about to leave for Australia soon - I hope. I just wish I could fix myself when I fly out. I still want to get back with you even if the whole world seems to be against it. I pray for it every single day. I don't know if I should ask if I could see you before or after I fly. I don't know what's the right thing to do right now. You seem to be okay and I guess you're better off without me because I've caused you so much trouble already. Maybe I should start thinking about you and not myself. I'm sorry for the mess I caused you and your family. All the arguments you had with your parents could probably be traced to me. I'm sorry for all those and I love you. I love you so much that I should understand you.

Mushy Tagalog

Kung makapulot ako ng lampara at sa paghimas ko nito ay may isang genie na lumabas at binigyan ako ng tatlong hiling para tuparin, paulit-ulit kong hihilingin na bigyan tayo muli ng isang pagkakataon upang ipagpatuloy ang pagmamahalan natin.

Kung makakita ako ng bituin na nahuhulog sa langit, hihilingin kong alisin ang lahat ng sakit ng nakaraan upang tayong dalawa ay muling makapagsimula nang masaya.

Kung tanungin man ako ng Diyos ano ang ikasisiya ng puso ko, sasabihin kong nais kong maisaayos ang lahat upang tayong dalawa'y muling makapagsama.

Maraming nangyayari ngayon na hindi ko maintindihan pero sa likod ng lahat ng ito, isa lang ang nasisiguro ko - ikaw pa rin ang laman ng puso ko. Mawala na ang lahat sa akin, huwag lang ikaw. Kaya kong isuko lahat sapagkat ang yaman ay kayang palitan pero ikaw ay walang katulad.

Masakit sa akin ang iwan ka subalit kinakailangan upang ikaw ay magtanda't matuto. Kung palarin man tayo na ang landas nati'y muling magkatagpo at pahintulutan tayo na ipagpatuloy ang dati nating pagmamahalan, sigurado akong higit na magiging karapat-dapat tayo para sa isa't isa sapagkat dun ko lamang mapatutunayang tayo'y nakatakda. Batid sa pagwika ko nito ang pangambang di ito magkatotoo subalit wala akong magagawa kung hindi Niya nais ito.

Kung kaya't Panginoon, sana po ay magkaisa ang nais nating dalawa para sa akin. Sana po ay pareho tayo ng nasa isip sapagkat tunay ko pong ikaliligaya na makapiling siyang muli. Hindi na baleng may problema sapagkat kasama talaga yun sa isang relasyon. Ang mahalaga, tayo'y magkasama. Wala nang iwanan magpakailanman.

Fortress of SOlitude

I think I want to visit the Gesu to pray.

Choices

If you had to choose between being true to yourself and choosing growth, what would you choose? I chose growth and so we parted ways rather roughly. I hope one day you would understand why I did that. It feels so heavy on my part that I had to do that. That was my sacrifice and so don't ever think that I don't love you anymore. I still do and in fact, I still want us to get back together but it cannot be my will alone. ULtimately, it is His will that I have to follow, no matter how hard. I so look forward to the day when all the pain and depression will be gone. That would be my day of acceptance.

I dont know how long I have to keep up with the depression.

I live on a day-to-day basis. I struggle everyday and each day of success propels me to get by the other day. I always think to myself, "I survived yesterday, I can also survive today."

I miss you so much boss. I know I'm a fool to hope that you would return to me someday. Not all stories have a happy ending.

I visited your house late last night. I just wanted to see the place again. I was hoping I'd see you but you were obviously asleep. How I wish you felt me when I visited. I don't know if that truly happens.

valentine's day

Happy Valentine's day boss!

Visited Ian last Saturday. Just wanted to vent out my feelings to him. I miss you so much and I wish we could be together. You take care always boss.

rehab 2

We don't have to decide NOW. All will be well in time. We are
Powerless over people, places and events. That's a fact. I'm just
Stressing myself out over having to decide immediately. I guess there
Are things that you can rush and there are things that you simply
Cannot.

rehab

Boss, I want to text you so bad right now. There's that heavy feeling
In my heart again. I'm thinking of getting you flowers for tomorrow. I don't
Know if that's supposed to make me feel better. And I don't even know if that's
Supposed to do any good. If we talk about being true to myself, I know that
It would be the thing that I would be doing. I don't know if by not doing it, it
Would mean growth but I just know that it makes me sad. It's true what vince said,
What u want makes u happy and what u need doesn't.

Galing mo magdala boss. Parang wala lang nangyari. Di ko alam pano mo nagagawa.
Gusto kong sabihin na "sana masaya ka" pero di ko pa kaya. Ang bilis mo naman makalimot.
May sakit pa rin akong nararamdaman.

Lord, tulong...

Tattooed on my mind

I cant get you out of my head. I thought I could forget you but you left a really deep scar. And when I remember how we were, I get sad and wish you were still with me. I'm going through a lot right now and I just know that things would be better with you around. I just want to stop functioning altogether. I just want to shut down from the rest of the world.

You think we're different but we really are alike. We're both prisoners and I want to escape. This might be the year to do that. I just need to carefully lay down the plan. I miss you sooo much boss. I love you. I hope you still think of me.